Aug 22 2012 August 22, 2012 August 23, 2012 7Comments by ben

How shit are british films?

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I went to see Ted on the weekend (pretty funny, thanks for asking). Before it started there were trailers for three British films that you’ll soon be able to experience in your local multiplex. All looked depressingly bad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2uaz3Qr1W0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3cahcu09k4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lf4aaxIH-nQ

I’m not saying that every movie ever made has to be Tokyo Story or Citizen Kane but those three look so utterly awful that I want to cry.

Look at The Sweeney. The trailer actually contains the line, ‘The ramifications of your careless actions are going to have severe repercussions’. Ramifications ARE repercussions! They’re both fucking consequences! So the consequences of your careless actions are going to have severe consequences! What sort of shit is that? How did it make it to the final script? How did it make it to the trailer? A lot of people must think it’s a really good line, whereas it’s a really, really, really shit one. And it’s directed by serial turd provider Nick Love, the man who has inflicted many, many dreadful Danny Dyer movies upon us. Who thought he’d make a film that wasn’t awful? Who gave him the fucking money? I want answers.

The Keith Lemon thing is as you would expect: dismal cameos from ‘stars’ whose list goes way beyond Z, dire plotting, woefully unfunny jokes. I think this one depresses me least because I can see where they were going with this: ‘Hey, the Inbetweeners movie was ridiculously successful and cost £10 to make. Let’s take another popular character off the TV and see if we can replicate the effect’. Good luck to them, but it does look like someone with a very dicky tummy decided to make stool on a cinema screen.

Last and most depressing is the post-Hangover shitpile with the bloke from the BT ads… Comedy sheep! Comedy gimp suits! Drawings of tits! Cocaine! Olivia Newton John! The thing about this one is that it’s an ‘original’ story (by that I mean it has not come from another source. Of course a story of a wacky wedding going wrong is not in the least original), which means it has nothing investors can cling to beyond its script. Which means the script, the very best results of which you can watch in the trailer, was deemed to be good enough for some people to consider putting what I would guess to be a few million quid into. Now, it’s really, really hard to get a script made into a movie (I’d estimate that well over 99% of those written don’t make it), but this excremental cack-fest has not only been made, it’s coming out in the cinema and it has big cardboard cutout posters all over my local Odeon. I have racked my brain to find an explanation for all that, but I keep coming up empty. Sorry. Maybe I’m just out of touch.

I think I shall lie down in a dark room that isn’t a cinema until they all go away.