The saddest thing I’ve ever seen on a TV screen*

Apparently this was based on The Trip. I can see the resemblance. They both involve two people speaking in a restaurant:

And there the resemblance ends. Otherwise, they are as similar as chocolate mousse and shit, or waking up in bed next to the person you love and waking up in a Turkish prison next to a sweaty rapist called Mehmet.

But back to the new Bernard Matthews campaign.

Other excruciating aspects of it include the fact that Martin Spandau is only the first of a campaign that involves (…wait for it…) Nell McAndrew! Yes! Nell Fucking McAndrew (foreign readers, she is as famous in your country as she is in ours). What do I know about Nell McAndrew? Well, she was one of those women paid to go around pretending to be Lara Croft until someone fitter came along the following year. Hang on, she’s only on fucking Wikipedia! That tells me she married a man called Paul Hardcastle (not that one) and was Rear of the Year and Yorkshirewoman of the year. But why would she be chatting to Marco Pierre White about turkey? Fuck knows. Why is Martin Kemp taking to Marco about turkey? Fuck knows. But I’m guessing these two (there’s a third, but I can’t remember who it is. Bobby Ball? Marti Caine? Eddie The Eagle Edwards?) were all Bernard Matthews (the company, not the man. The man is dead. Cremated at gas mark 7 for three and a half hours) could afford. What was the budget? 55p? Shall we have a whip round so they can afford three more famous people? How about the lead singer of Cotton Eye Joe, or the girl who said Ro-land in Grange Hill? And the fucking conversation! Don’t get me started on the fucking conversation: ‘Turkey? Is it Christmas’ ‘Turkey is one of those meats you can eat every day of the year.’ OK THEN, NAME ME A MEAT YOU CAN’T EAT EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR. GO ON, YOU ARSEHOLES. ‘That is absolutely delicious.’ I’LL BET IT FUCKING IS. IF I PAY YOU TO SAY YOU PISS IN A BOWLER HAT WILL YOU DO IT MARTIN? WILL YOU? WILL YOU?!!!! OF COURSE YOU WILL. IF YOU WERE WILLING TO DO THIS FOR MONEY THEN YOU’D SHAG A GOAT FOR A FIVER, WOULDN’T YOU? SHAG IT, KILL IT, EAT IT, SAY YOU COULD EAT IT EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR THEN TELL ME HOW MMMMMMMM FUCKING DELICIOUS IT IS, YOU LYING WANKER. ‘I think Turkey is, without doubt, the king of birds.’ WELL WHY HAVEN’T I SEEN IT ON ANY MENU OF ANY MARCO PIERRE WHITE FUCKING RESTAURANT OUTSIDE OF THE RUN-UP TO CHRISTMAS? OR ANY GOOD RESTAURANT FOR THAT MATTER? DON’T GET ME WRONG, I LIKE TURKEY. I LIKE IT A LOT. YUM, YUM TURKEY, BUT THEY DON’T COOK IT IN GOOD RESTAURANTS AND MARCO CERTAINLY DOESN’T COOK IT, THE LYING CACKWIPE.

And look, even the outtakes are shit:

*Lyrics competition. Where is that line from?