these things are true even though they’re not

1. Writing things down on pieces of paper, particularly A4 pieces of paper, is work.

This one has to be ingrained at school, innit? We are so used to thinking of writing stuff down as work that we can’t escape it. Every idea for a movie is just a history essay in disguise, and that means it must not form part of our free time. School fucks you up in more ways than you realise.

2. Work is unpleasant.

Churchill said something like, ‘find a job you enjoy and you’ll never work another day in your life’. I guess a lot of people don’t enjoy their jobs, but even those that do consider getting up on a Monday morning to do some sort of activity for the money of someone else to be work, and therefore bad. The four-letter-word status of work is smashed into us early and often, and it pretty much never stops: weekends are good, holidays are brilliant and work is BAD. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

3. Anything that doesn’t look like work isn’t work.

I have lots of good ideas walking down the street, sitting on a sofa or riding a roller coaster. When I do so I look as if I’m just having a little brain holiday where I’m letting the lyrics of Gary Numan songs go around and around in my noggin. But no! I’m actually doing the most valuable and constructive part of my job. The funny thing is, we all know this and yet no one wants to let people spend their working day walking, relaxing and rollercoastering because it doesn’t look like they’re having a shit time, sacrificing enjoyment for the man and the money. That’s why work has to look like misery or boredom.

4. Going abroad for any reason is wonderful.

Again, this one is drummed into us from an early age, and for the most part it’s true, but if you’re going to be away from your family or visiting somewhere a bit shit then it’s not a real pleasure. And airports. And jet lag. And shitty food. And missing things at home. These can also put a bit of a downer on what otherwise sends your thoughts in the direction of the word ‘holiday’.

5. Meetings are awful things.

Some of them are. In fact, a lot of them are. Then again, lots of stuff gets done in meetings. It’s become a bit of a dirty word, but with some emotionally-charged banter and chat and a few jokes, a meeting can be a not-unpleasant experience that allows you to accomplish more greatness.

6. Children are something of a drag on your ability to get drunk.

They are. Then again, maybe getting drunk isn’t what you need to do right now.

7. Any opportunity to drink alcohol is wonderful.

Ingrained from the teenage years: alcohol is good. More alcohol is better. Free alcohol is stupendous. Good quality free alcohol is unbeatable. But it’s also rare, and warm, shitty white wine, warm beer and feeling the need to drink to make a difficult situation bearable aren’t the greatest things in the world.