Agency Communication: How Not To Do It.

There’s an email doing the production company rounds that was sent by a US agency producer to a bunch of reps.  The friend who sent it removed all the names, but it’s still pretty funny. Although not as funny as the reply:

Hi everyone.
Please read this email carefully.
Now the instructions…and this is really really important to read and follow closely:
1.  Send LINKS…NOT DVD’s…DVD’s get thrown out.
Things NOT to do:
1.  Call me to tell me who you’re sending me.  Just don’t…please!
2.  Tell me in your email how your director bids (client) all the time…I don’t care.
3.  Tell me how your director has worked with (Person X) before…I don’t care.
4.  Tell me how your director is friend with (Person Y)…I don’t care.
5.  Send me your director’s resume with the reel telling me how many awards he’s won and how many tv shows he’s done and features he’s shot…I…Don’t…Care…and you know who cares less than me about that?  The creatives.  And you know who cares less than the creative?  The clients…believe me.  it’s true.  I promise.
6.  Do NOT ask me if I have an editor yet or what my thoughts about music are.  Please oh please don’t do that.
7.  This is the most important rule…I will acknowledge every one of your emails by replying ‘thsnks’ or ‘got it’…what I need from you is to be patient!!!  Don’t call me 24 hours later and ask if I’ve looked at the reels.
Approximately $650K for production.
This is the new (client ad), so that really means $650K.  Don’t get me on the phone with your EP and have them bid this job for $900K.  That’ll irritate me and I’ll blame you…and then you won’t get any more of these nice emails from me.
There’s no method to the madness of how I look at reels.  really.  And I won’t look at all of them.  really.
Because these spots are testing I have the luxury of time.  Some time later (up to as many as 7 working days) I will send an email to all of you vultures with my progress.
The reply:
Hey (name),
As per your “instructions” to the reps:
I am sending you a (name of director) DVD for your (client) project (Hope you got all my messages).  He bids (client) all the time and not only works with Person X and Person Y (the best man at his wedding) but recently had a homosexual experience with both of them in a Burbank Home Depot restroom (ironically while shaving each other’s testicles with (the client’s) products!)
FYI, (my director) is English and likes salmon (not poached).  He has won 342 awards (please pass this along to your creatives and the client.)  Also, let’s discuss editors ASAP (Can we cut this in Dubai?) and (director) and I were thinking about a Led Zeppelin track (Stairway to Heaven or The Battle of Evermore!!?)  Wouldn’t that be awesome!!!?  What are your thoughts?  Hey what about the Ting Tings?  Could be cool too?
I am very excited to read that these spots are still in testing.  I’m sending you a rough bid later today (Coming in around $1,600,000 -ish.  Hope that’s OK?)
I’ll give you a quick call tomorrow to see if you’ve had a chance to look at the reel (s) yet.
P.S. (advertising legend from your agency) would have been very proud of you.