Writing scripts, eh? There must be quite an art to it. I’d imagine that all the great ads have a beautifully worked script behind them that reads like the love child of William Goldman and James Joyce, calling down the twin angels of screenwriting and literature to bring wonderment and genius to the masses.

Well, maybe.

Here’s the first version of Balls:

…Which then became this:

Check how short the ad bit is compared to the overwritten 'client' bit at the end. Overwriting the client bit is a tried and tested technique for making them think you give as much of a shit about the packshot as you do about the Kubrick pastiche that precedes it.

And was ‘Paint’ just like that from the start? Nope, it was about firemen and doggies. Was the existence of people thought to be a no-no?

And lastly, Cake. Now this one has been written with tender loving care and the feeling that a GOOD AD is what you are reading:

And that’s how it’s done.

I think the lesson here is that, as you might expect, much of the ad happens in the execution.

And thanks to anon for sending me these scripts.

Via Wieden’s blog.

It’s by Banksy. Explanation here.

UPDATE: Mr Mann points out that, incredibly, it’s already been done:

A song about being on cocaine.

(Thanks, D.)

All the swearing on Twitter (Thanks, R).

Best debut features of all time.

Flight of the Conchords gig posters.

Sigur Ros point out how the advertising industry likes to bum them (thanks, P).

The architecture of Inception.

Internet protocol (Thanks, ALS).

Nice short film on visual metaphors (Thanks, L).

Man vs Elevator (elevator wins).

Johnny Depp is a lovely, lovely man.

Actually, as far as internet protocol goes, there’s a section in that link about the delightful ways in which people and companies sign off their emails. Perhaps it would pass a few dreary minutes if we could all contribute (anonymously, of course) any that we are aware of.

Allow me to start with CHI’s (thanks, P/R):

CHI&Partners – winners of: 2 Golds at British Television Advertising Awards (including ‘Best 60/90 second commercial’) Grand Prix at DMA Awards (Direct) Grand Prix at Revolution Awards (Digital) Click here to see the work.

Please feel free to leave your own.

Here is one of the best ads of all time:

Doesn’t it hold up just brilliantly today?

It would easily have won BTAA ad of the year for the last few years.

Have a look at each example. They are both original and universal and that is a really tough combination to get right.

And the VO: John Cooper Clarke is a very unusual but absolutely excellent choice, conveying a sort of bemused ironic tolerance (try asking your next VO to do that).

And that lovely pause where the bloke spits. It’s a truly wonderful example of intelligent, original, brave advertising that you just can’t argue with. We all want to be that guy who doesn’t play by the shitty little rules in life, and here’s 60 seconds that gives you really smart permission to do just that. How many times can the brief, ‘Don’t run with the herd’ have been crapped out by a lazy planner? Here is the best way to answer it.

And here is the best thing to play someone who says you shouldn’t do negative advertising. Do an ad with a fat naked bloke and the words ‘don’t masturbate’, then set a car on fire.

Thank you Charles Inge and Lowe. The Cannes Grand Prix was well deserved (it beat Surfer, fact fans).

*An occasional series where I hark back to better days in the forlorn hope that they will return.

Here are a few ‘classic’ ambient ads from the book ‘Long Live Advertising’ that make me want to puke:

Complete bullshit from South Africa. Imagine what would happen when the next cases came through the hatch. Squashed fucking eggs, that's what. So I'd have thought this was taken on a non-moving conveyor with some of the creatives' suitcases and friends. Many awards, mucho bullshit.

A great example of the 'people looking at our brilliant ambient idea' shot. Multicultural and both genders. Hooray. But Nike have fucked up the running track. Oh no. Maybe those runners are thinking, 'What a bunch of cunts Nike are, fucking up our running track.

'She eats light mayonnaise'. Who? That bit of hair, of course. This even has the dog doing the mandatory looking. Unfortunately he's wondering if it's a blonde rat or something he can hump.

Some T-shirt that makes you like your arse is hanging out. Not sure why, but the real bullshit here is in the description, where it says that the pictures were turned into ads in 'party magazines'. I read several party magazines. All of them existing only in my imagination.

I know these won a lot of awards, but they're just complete and utter bollocks. Plastic hands poking through drains made to look like jails? First off it looks like the people are trapped down the drains, then they have to crassly write 'wrong opinion' on the fingers, then you're supposed to give a shit. But what's it really saying? Something about the ubiquity of wrongful imprisonment? But wrongful imprisonment isn't really ubiquitous. If it were, we'd know about it, negating the need for these scammy examples of award-whoring bullshit, I mean ambient ads.

Here.

When I was a nipper and all round here were fields, I used to have an unhealthy obsession with my D&AD annuals.

I had a pretty good collection, only missing one of the last thirty, and was nerdy enough to know them inside out.

Now I don’t really give a toss about them. I read my last one once then gave it away to a young creative who I thought might have more use for it than me (having said that, I do use the online annual a bit. It’s much more convenient and you can view the films).

I think I’ve written about this before so I’m not going to go on about it again, but what I wonder is whether or not there are junior creatives out there who regard the annual in the same way as I (and Chris Palmer, Mark Denton, Dave Dye, Peter Souter and many, many others) used to?

Are you a junior creative who has pored over and memorised the annuals?

Do you wait for each new collection of in-books and nominations with bated breath?

Are you dying to get your first entry?

Did you get your first entry this year and do a little wee of excitement?

I do understand that D&AD has suffered, through no fault of its own, from the fact that much of the work in it has already been seen in Archive or any one of a dozen other shows around the world, each trying to hoover up the entry cash from agencies and networks desperate for those Gunn Report points. But then D&AD might also have to blame itself as its awards have become homogenised with the others through the mandatory inclusion of foreign jurors who like the same kind of ads that win at Cannes.

Is there now a generation of up-and-coming ‘talent’ who don’t have much respect for what has gone before, condemning us to repeat the past through ignorance of it?

Is the fact that this is the third mediocre year in a row in UK creative advertising point to an onward downward trend that is bound up to a degree with the lessening of D&AD’s status?

And can anyone under 30 complete this headline: ‘If you can’t tell if it’s a Bechstein or a Steinway then it isn’t a…’?

I’d be really keen to find out because the mystique D&AD used to have must have been bloody hard-won. If it goes, how and when will it ever be regained?