The new Old Spice ad lacks the one-take amazement of the others but makes up for it with a very funny ending. And besides, I think the one-take stuff was heading down a bit of a cul-de-sac (Thanks, G).

And the excellent cartoon on the damage of bottled water (actually, it turns out we’ve been somewhat hoodwinked into buying billions of gallons of the stuff. This was to some degree the fault of the advertising industry. Bottled water advertisers can balance out a Karma deficiency by joining my Water Water Everywhere project to make clean, non-bottled water readily available. And thanks, M):

Good day.

I’m starting a project to increase the number of public water fountains in the UK, and I’d like to invite you to join me.

The idea started as a business to bring bottled purified tap water (which is what both Coke and Pepsi’s US water brands are) to the UK, but make sure it’s bottled no more than 20 miles from where it’s sold. I was intending to market it as a cheaper, more eco-friendly alternative to what’s out there, with most of the profits going to help the 1bn people in the world who don’t have access to clean, fresh water.

But then I checked around on some environmental Q&A sites, and although that kind of water would be a greener alternative to what is imported from France, Fiji or NZ, bottled water still creates a serious carbon footprint.

In 2008, transporting the UK’s annual bottled water supply of 3bn litres used over 31,000 tonnes of CO2. On top of that, only 3bn of the 13bn plastic bottles consumed in the UK each year are recycled, and even then, the resources required to make and dispose of a plastic bottle means that it actually takes three bottles of water to make a bottle of water.

So I thought on and it soon occurred to me that a free, piped-in source of clean water would be the ideal deterrent to this enormous strain on our environment.

When I was a kid, water fountains used to be everywhere. Now you’d be lucky to find any, particularly in large cities. I have yet to get to the bottom of why, but reasons as diverse as Legionnaire’s Disease, vandalism and cost have been mentioned by various councils I’ve been in contact with.

But those are not substantial reasons to keep things as they are: Legionnaire’s Disease is not an issue if the fountain is properly maintained; potential vandalism could be taken into account at the design stage, and I believe the cost could be overcome through sponsorship (like the Barclays Bikes), eg: Nike, Thames Water or Government health schemes. The whole venture could have a health or sport angle, and if people were sure there’s be a useable water fountain in their park, they wouldn’t need to carry water with them or buy it en route.

Then there’s also the financial benefit: spending a few quid on bottles of water for the family when you’re out an about would be semnseless if you knew there was a fountain you could drink from or use to fill your own refill bottle.

So it seems to make sense. All that remain is to make it happen.

If you’re interested in helping me, I’m looking for all sorts of people who can help with various aspects of the campaign. Do you know people on local councils? Do you know a client who might like some CSR that would actually make a difference? Could you help design a website so that people could learn about about the scheme and find out where their nearest fountain might be? Do you know people on the Olympic committee who might like to place fountains near the stadia as a legacy for when the games are over? Perhaps you know an environmental journalist who can get behind the idea in a paper or on a blog, or a media company who could run some ads for free. Are you a creative who could write some ads (I might be able to do that myself)? Or maybe there’s an angle that’s occurring to you right now that I haven’t mentioned.

If you’re interested in getting involved, please email me at wweverywhere@gmail.com

I guarantee it’ll be better and more exciting than being an advertiser in this day and age.

I especially like the disembodied ghost-head thing who says, ‘ If somebody tries to touch you in ways that don’t feel good or seem right, SAY NO.’ Yes, only let people touch you in ways that feel good. Wise words.

And the kid who advises: ‘Your body belongs to you and you have a right to decide how and when anyone touches you.’ He looks a bit dead behind the eyes, like he knows what he’s talking about.

‘And don’t forget, if the first person you tell doesn’t believe you, keep telling until you find someone who does.’ Judge: ‘and why did you end up telling the cashier at 7-11?’ ‘Well, a drawing of an eyeless ginger girl told me to’.

I wonder if anyone sent away for the special comic book on sexual abuse.

Anyone other than thousands of paedophiles, anyway.

Super war heroes (thanks, J).

Great promo (thanks, J):

Looking for a VO who can really sell?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt4gk3g6ssU

The top ten 3-D projections (thanks, A&E).

A big fucking wooden xylophone thingie (thanks, J):

Famous writers and their typewriters.

Edgar Wright’s gun fetish montage:

An excellent comic strip on the awesome world of advertising (thanks, M).

Brilliant interview with the comedian’s comedian’s comedian.

By the way, Instinct has now sold 27,000 copies. Thank you to everyone who bought one.

This is Florian Haller, chief exec of Serviceplan Group (yeah, me neither).

You may not be familiar with him, but I came across him in this week’s Campaign supplement, ‘The world’s leading independent agencies 2011’ (by the way, I’m sure you know this, but just in case you don’t, these supplements include whichever companies are prepared to pay for a full-page ad and a full-page faux-editorial, which they write themselves. They are not an objectively selected group of the world’s leading independent agencies/post production houses/integrated direct business-to-business whorehouses).

Anyway, Florian says he can’t imagine anything better or more exciting than being an advertiser in this day and age.

Well, on the assumption that he actually meant that seriously, I thought it might be an interesting statement to ponder.

Better than being an advertiser in this day and age:

Finding the cure for AIDS/Cancer

Playing centre forward for Barcelona

Being one of those people who makes sure models’ clothes are on straight at fashion shows.

Contributing to people’s wellbeing and happiness rather than their urge to consume things they don’t need, thus using up the planet’s resources unnecessarily.

Caring for the mentally ill.

Caring for the elderly.

Caring.

Being a great chef.

Sitting in a hammock drinking margaritas.

A really good one-wipe dump.

Spending an afternoon with a vertical flight of Chateau Latour.

Helping Florian get some perspective on his life.

More exciting?

Skijumping

Parachuting

Running with the bulls.

Being Charlie Sheen’s therapist.

Attaching jump leads to your nipples.

So this bloke comes up to you, right? And he says, ‘I’m gonna bum you’ and you’re all like ‘Whoa, I don’t fancy that’ (nothing against people who do, though), so you run off and he’s in hot pursuit with a bread knife in his hand shouting ‘IMMMAGONNABUMMMYOUUUUUUUUUU!!!’ and you’re all like, ‘Fuck that.’ So you run into a boozer and grab some guy’s pint glass to use as a weapon. Then the bummer comes in and he’s got this look in his eyes like he’ll eat your pint glass and look forward to taking a shit afterwards. So you run again. Outside there’s a copper on a motorbike so you go up to him and tell him this man’s after you and wants to give you a bumming, but the copper doesn’t buy it. He’s all like ‘Bullshit, mate’. Then the bummer comes slamming out of the pub and the policeman’s all like, ‘Oh shit’, and you’re all like ‘I fucking told you’. So you nick the motorbike and you’re off, weaving in and out of the stalls and people on Berwick Street. ‘GEDOUTOFTHEFUCKINWAY! THERESABUMMERONTHELOOSE’. But one old lady’s too slow, so you have to skid to avoid her and the bike hits the kerb and flips, spinning through the air like a tossed coin, and you’re all like ‘Jesus. How did the day end up like this?’ and even though you’re worried that you might smash your brains on the pavement outside William Hill, you kind of like the moment of peace, accepting that it’s a couple of seconds where you’re actually safe. Then you hit the ground and the crash is so loud you don’t even notice the pain in your leg. Looking down you see the blood and you wonder which part of you it came from. But before you have a chance to check yourself out, the sound comes again, the sound that makes you realise that no matter how badly hurt you are, you’re going to have to run again: ‘IMMMGONNNABUMMMYOUUUUUUUU!’.

Getting a couple of mates, sticking some dynamite up your noses, lighting the fuse and seeing who can go the longest before putting it out.

All of the above, but on crack.

Going into the offices of Serviceplan Group, drinking a bottle of scotch and seeing how fast you can drive a Ferrari into the coffee machine.

Any other suggestions?

It’s quite hard to get people to care about most of the things we sell.

Washing powder, chocolate, cars… They’re all much of a muchness, and so ubiquitous that they’re almost invisible.

That’s why charities are usually given their own award category: of course you feel more emotive about abused children, dead dogs and tortured prisoners. So much of the work is done before you’ve even started.

But there are plenty of commercial clients who can have the same effect.

Look at Channel 4’s advertising. The TV station is cool, but how fucking cool is Stanley Kubrick?

(By the way, TV stations can also run ‘ads’ that don’t have to be passed by the BACC or its foreign equivalent:)

But it’s not just TV stations. Look at how many awards The Guardian, The Financial Times, National Gallery, Tate Gallery, the BBC and other media conduits have won.

You care about the issue so you care about the ads.

You like the work of the great artist, so you like the place that shows it, and the ad for that place.

Your intelligence is flattered by the clever piece of work that the ad features.

Whereas someone pointing out the benefits of white clothes can often feel somewhat dull.

So get on a medium for someone else’s genius, then piggyback that fucker to a pay rise.

My novel is now available in German. I know from my analytics that I have, ooh, at least fifteen readers over there, so come on herren and frauleins*, fill your boots:

Why it’s called Das Nest, I’m not entirely sure. I mean, there is a nest in it (more than one, actually) but there’s also a packet of Kraft Mac’n’ Cheese, and they didn’t call the book Der KraftenMakencheesenchaften*.

Anyway, I now know how to compliment my wife in German:

And I wonder what they made of my acknowledgement to Arsene Wenger:

The reviews are somewhat impenetrable, but a quick hit of Google translate does give me this sentence:

I recommend this thriller lovers of insect horror stories. Thriller friends who like to read interesting books with depth, I recommend this book but from!

Anyway, if you are German, you can buy it here. If you are British and are still inexplicably without a copy, you can buy it here.

*I speak no German.

It can be found by clicking on these words.

Have a gander (but skip the pre-title stuff. It really begins at around 12 minutes in. And thanks, L):

http://vimeo.com/1506008

UPDATE: I’d imagine that the extremity of some of that might put you off (or interest the shit out of you; whatevs). Part two is also interesting but goes off a bit later, so try Part Three: Moving Forward. It’s much straighter but really very interesting (thanks, M):