M&S Christmas Ad

Through nefarious means I have managed to obtain the script:

World’s Hottest Model chases after dog, loses dog, but comes across open manhole and seems to think dog has fallen down it.

Then, with the help of some particularly low-quality post, WHM loses all her clothes in a questionable plot twist. (If I wrote ‘hot girl falls down hole and loses her clothes’ in a script I’d be far too embarrassed to show it to anyone for fear of looking like a salacious old perv. Come on… it’s a plotline straight out of the seventies. I’m imagining pot bellied creatives guffawing their way through the writing process like a pair of Sid Jameses while swannee whistles score the lamentable sex gestures they chuck at one another across the desk as they smoke Castellas. I’m sure someone will now tell me the actual creatives are laydeez who are affirming the sexual liberation of their gender by filling the UK’s TV screens with hot models in their underwear. Well, if that’s the case, let me disabuse them of that notion: 99% of the interest in this shot will be from men who will rigorously objectify poor WHM, possibly into an old sock.)

WHM lands, farting glitter appropriately out of her Gary, then World’s Only Vaguely Well Known Male Model appears as the Mad Hatter. WHM is sort of given a cheap handbag, which she takes, annoying some other Alice In Wonderland types who throw playing cards at her. But WHM doesn’t seem that bothered as she is pursued by playing card people through some woods in a sequence that’s supposed to be quirkily stylised but comes off quite a lot closer to ‘shite’.

WHM arrives at some sort of tree house-type thing, goes in and walks onto a carpet, which then sort of takes off, much to the surprise/displeasure of a painting. (At this point we’re a minute in and I’m starting to regret embarking on this run-through of the entire ad. So far it’s been sixty seconds of aimless, random bollocks, optimistically dressed up as a fairytale. But fairytales (even Alice In Wonderland) tend to have some kind of plot to them. This looks like nothing more than an expensive exercise in throwing shit at the nation’s TV screens to see what will stick.)

WHM is now in amongst some fake clouds and her kit’s off again. I think she’s farted a white cloud, but no – it’s WOVWKMM appearing at her rear to experience some even worse post than the manhole shot. But before we have a chance to marvel at that, the scene has changed again and we’re  on some yellow brick road set. WOVWKMM is the scarecrow, but I’m not sure who WHM and her mates are supposed to be, but I recognise this as The Point In The M&S AD Where We Finally See An Ethnic Minority Model (and usually an older person like Twiggy, but not this time). Oh, hang on… EMM has a massive stupid hair-do, so maybe she’s supposed to be a kind of fanciable lion. Non-Ethnic Minority Model is dressed in greys, which I’m guessing is an attempt to make her look like the tin man. Genius.

They arrive at a spooky green door which is answered by the massive disembodied head of Helena Bonham-Carter as the Wizard Of Odd. Ruby heels are clicked and WHM is magically sent back to a telecom repair man’s tent (that I never seem to see anymore) in the ‘real world’. According to YouTube there are still 45 seconds to go. Fuck.

‘Real’ Helena (if such a thing exists) gives the dog back to WHM and we pan to the sky for the endline, something to do with Magic and Sparkle, not Mindless and Spunk, which might have been more appropriate. And it’s finally over.

So what about the other 30 seconds? They are spent showing little trailers for the making of and interviews with Helena, WHM and WOVWKMM. Apparently they all LOVE MONEY M&S and THAT’S WHY THEY WANTED TO MAKE THIS AD. Helena thought Tim hasn’t cast me in anything this week ‘It was fun, so yeah… why not?’

There you go… And you can also take part in naming the dog (which looks very much old enough to already have a name), but if you do, don’t forget – you’ll have to live with the fact that you’re a bit of a cunt.