Cannes: predictions


The Cannes advertising festival is upon us again.

Although I shan’t be attending (again) I’m pretty sure the following will occur:

1) A bottle of Carlton Terrace rosé will now cost more than the flight most people took to drink it.

2) World Cup Cannes: the venue ‘everyone’ is going to will be the venue no one is going to.

3) Conveniently, The Gutter Bar crowd will now spread far enough to encompass at least 75% of Cannes hotels.

4) At least 1000 advertising people will take taxis to a party in the hills, hosted by a production company they’ve never heard of. After 45 minutes they’ll wonder if they’ve just been on one long circuitous route to a house five minutes away from where they got the cab. After an hour they’ll wonder if they’re being abducted to a slave ship in Marseilles. After an hour and fifteen they’ll arrive to find most of the buffet has been eaten and the beer is now warm.

5) The organisers will have invented at least 276 more categories to (pay to) enter.

6) British and French people will discover that it’s possible to recreate the effects of jet lag in the South of France by following the waking hours of Peru for five days. Delegates from Peru will return home as if they never crossed a time zone.

7) The rumours regarding the possible arrival of the ‘dealer’ to whichever agency party is on that night will be discussed 135% more than the winners of the Lions.

8) Those leopard skin-clad mother and daughter hookers will not be employed by anyone – until the last night, when a sad, wealthy client delegate from a valve company in Micronesia will decide to take the plunge. He will then bring a fascinating, virulent and hitherto unknown STD back to his tiny island community.

9) 14% of all lies to spouses via mobile phones in 2014 will be told in the next five days in the Cannes area.

10) This will win all the Grands Prix for which it eligible (12? 13?):