Read them here.

Well, that was a bit fucking dull. Same old shit about Social Media taking over the world and traditional media going for a burton blah blah blah…

But there are a couple of more specific issues I’d like to point out because they seem a bit shifty:

The Social Media bent to the whole thing may be somewhat down to the authors of the list describing themselves thusly: ‘We leverage social media and powerful new business tools to help generate new business leads and improve new business success.’ To me that makes part of point one (‘As more and more agencies look for ways to use social media to benefit clients, they will begin to use these tools to win new business‘) seem somewhat divisive.

Point three says ‘Ad agencies can increase their value by helping clients make sense of a dizzying array of paid and unpaid opportunities.’ Welcome to 2007 everybody! I thought this was supposed to be a list of predictions.

Point five (‘Agency strategic partner role to increase: Marketing and strategy will become even more important. Agency contributions in these critical areas will enhance new business opportunities, revenue and profit’) is that depressing point I mentioned last Monday. More money will flow down the bullshit hole while the actual work gets marginalised. Million dollar strategies for ten cent ads.

Point seven: ‘Marketers will use blogs to communicate their brand story, key messages and develop compelling content people actually want to read.’ I don’t believe this for a second. I admit to being very skeptical about customers giving a shit about ‘brand stories’ and ‘key messages’, but it’s the ‘compelling content’ bit I find most ridiculous. Millions of incredibly talented writers, movie makers and musicians are trying to develop compelling content all day long, and they have interesting subjects like love, revenge, jealousy and bestiality to draw from, yet most do not succeed. The idea that the story of Yoplait can compete is just daft.

Point Nine: ‘Traditional media will continue to decline: No, it won’t disappear but the digital space will see the most impact and growth again next year’ Amazing prediction! Magazines, TV, radio and posters won’t disappear next year! Thank fuck for that. The digital space might well see the most impact and growth again next year, but that’s because ‘the digital space’ is a meaningless catch-all term that can never be challenged. The guys that wrote this seem to me increasingly like a bunch of bullshitters.

Point ten says that ‘SOI (share of influence) is a new, ever-expanding dimension of marketing program management. Agencies will be more aware of the importance of gaining and exerting influence‘. I think even the shittiest agency on earth is aware of the importance of gaining and exerting influence and has been since the year dot. Another great prediction.

Point eleven: ‘Ad agencies apply creativity throughout the enterprise: the best ad agencies will be engaged with clients at the early product development stages, helping to brainstorm, refine and launch new products.  Agencies will begin to apply their vast creative resources (creative smarts) throughout the enterprise for everything from new product ideas to creating entirely new business models.  Such efforts will strengthen the client/agency partnership.’ To me this translates as ‘Agencies will continue to get whatever cash they can from their clients by claiming to be able to do things other than traditional advertising. The best can do this well. The others will just fuck it up because their ‘creative smarts’ (vomit) are shite thanks to lots of creatives fucking off elsewhere, unable to stand pitiful shite like this’.

Roll on 2011.

‘Who shall we use for this ad?’

‘Well, my daughter likes those two chaps off the X-Factor. How about them?’

‘What, Jedward?’

‘That’s them, but I forgot to mention, my daughter has severe brain damage. She doesn’t like them so much as drool a bit more when they come on the TV.’

‘Well, you’re the client. That’s absolutely fine with us.’

(And what’s with the completely pointless and wrong use of the word ‘then’ in the headline?)

Is that the worst typeface in the world or what? It makes Comic Sans look like American Typewriter.

Sorry, I’ve just noticed that there are at least three fonts on that poster (that’s often another indication that your typography is shit). I meant the one that looks like it was put together by a bunch of top typographers whose hands had been burned to stumps in the same Magimix accident in which they acquired motor neuron disease and were brutally blinded in both eyes.

I hereby christen it ‘Olympic Abortion Sans Bold’.

This is up round the corner from my flat, but it’s just one of many similar posters that seem to be connecting Adidas to the Olympics.

And they all look like a local council’s misguided attempt to reduce the incidence of litter dropping and sexual assault by suggesting that we’re ALL IN IT TOGETHER.

The limp, generic art direction; the dismal, meaningless line; the world’s least sincere call to action… ‘Are you (London)?’ Am I London?  How would I know? Am I supposed to ‘be London’ by dressing in a chavsuit (check the JD Sports logo in the top corner. For foreign readers, JD Sports are milliners and couturiers to the kind of people whose idea of foreplay is a couple of Rohypnol and a punch in the face) and standing in the street? To me, being ‘London’ could be a million things, but that is not one of them.

And the odd thing is, I saw these posters for days before I realised who/what they they were advertising. They simply demand you ignore them on pain of death, and that seems really odd for one of the biggest and best brands in the world.

(Thanks, ALS)

I would explain why but it’s obvious, innit?

A hard drive of every issue of Playboy ever made (should be plenty of interviews with Norman Mailer about his waning libido). (Thanks, M.)

Gimme Shelter deconstructed (this is amazing. Thanks, R).

The pop video of the year:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCtrmbuSKpQ&feature=related

Some home video of my younger days.

Honest rapper (thanks, L):

Kittens being shot with lasers (thanks, same L):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1f4JUDChdk&feature=player_embedded

The 100 greatest movie spaceships (thanks, K).

This is lovely (thanks, same K).

Every Arnie scream ever (thanks, J):

And finally, the UK covered in snow (thanks, G).

My novel is coming out in a week’s time (December 9th), so I’d better start plugging the motherfucker on my blog.

Buy my novel.

It’s quite the read.

It might even inspire you to write your own, like this guy (thanks, TNG):

The wonderful Channel 4 show Phoneshop advised us, ‘No man like Jude Law’.

That is so fucking true.

And while we’re on the subject of toe-curlingly awful celeb ads:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8_8I7NnJV4&feature=player_embedded

And, last but not best (thanks, runningaway):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODB9xXLZ2oE&feature=related

The mood film ad (thanks, ALS):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXdaVgRysmE

I think that’s the worst example I’ve ever seen, and for such a lovely car, too.

In case anyone’s wondering why this fits with Monday’s rant about what’s wrong with advertising, mood film ads are a brilliant example of how lazy money grubbing produces awful advertising.

MFAs are easy to write because they are virtually interchangeable. They are usually produced because no one has bothered to think up a decent strategy, so someone suggests coming up with a bunch of a generic platitudes that make the client feel all warm and fuzzy about himself and his company. These are then cobbled together with a load of stock footage and shown as white-on-black captions that spread a little bit as they come onto the screen.

Voila! A 60-second frotter that plays to the basest conceits of the average client.

‘So this is a mood film we’ve put together to show where we feel the brand can go.’

‘It’s great. Love it. Nice job.’

‘So, with that in mind, here are the scripts for the ad.’

‘The what?’

‘The scripts. For the ad that we’ll write based on this strategic insight.’

‘But why can’t we just run this?’

‘It’s…it’s…(remember, you cannot say it is shit in any way) just made with generic stock footage. It’s not really individual enough to reflect precisely what you guys do. It can’t have the loving craft of a properly made ad.’

‘Looks fine to me. How much would it cost to run?’

‘Um…we can’t put an exact figure on it…’

‘How about a rough neighbourhood?’

‘Uh…30 grand, maybe, if we use that music.’

‘And a new ad would cost…?’

‘Well. we’ve budgeted it at around the 270k mark.’

‘And will it be nine times better than this?’

‘Well, it’s all relative…um…’

‘Look, Tarquin, just run the fucking mood film.’

So your valiant attempt at a client arselick ends up as a pile of shit with your agency’s name on it.

Sure, the produced ad probably wouldn’t be nine times better, but that’s partly because Tarquin and the client would conspire to make it shit.

Might as well run the mood film.

UPDATE: You might find something interesting in this article about a journalistic midlife crisis (thanks, B).

I don’t know much about Jimmy Kimmel, other than he’s a late-night American chat show host, and his show once featured the brilliance of ‘I’m Fucking Matt Damon‘.

Anyway, I was reading American GQ the other day and one of its features was an interview with him about the Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien contretemps of earlier this year.

(For those of you who, quite reasonably, don’t keep up with late night American chat show shenanigans, here’s a brief background: in America, there are a bunch of chat shows every evening from 11:30 (I have no idea why they’re on so late or why so many people watch at this hour). Each major channel has one but the biggie is NBC’s The Tonight Show. It was fronted by Johnny Carson for 30 years then there was a big hoo-haa in 1993 about who would take over from him on a permanent basis. The choice was between the regular stand-in, Jay Leno, and one of the most successful hosts on another channel, David Letterman. Eventually, Jay got the job, leaving Letterman (very pissed off) to continue on CBS to this day. Aaaanyway…fast forward to 2004 and a formal agreement is in place for Conan O’Brien, host of the 12:30-1:30 slot to move up and take Jay’s place in five years’ time (2009). The time comes and The move duly happens, with Jay moving his own chat show to 10pm. Alas, the move is a bit of a disaster for NBC: low ratings for Jay’s show lead to low rating for the following news programme and consequent low ratings for Conan’s show (people might also have liked Conan less than Jay on the Tonight Show, but Jay’s show tanking didn’t help). Double aaaaanyway… After seven months of this, Jay suggests to NBC that they give him The Tonight Show back and elbow Conan out of the way. NBC says yes and finds itself in the weird position of having to run the end of Conan’s time as host while he takes the piss out of them):

It was, after all, a shitty thing for both Jay and NBC to do (Conan would like to emphasise that as this is a dispute between multimillionaires, he does not deserve anyone’s sympathy), but Jay is the big boy here with a couple of decades on the primero chat show in the States under his belt, so the network decided to side with him.

So this is where Jimmy Kimmel comes in. I have no idea if he’s friends with Conan or not (if any American readers can shed any further light on this situation, do comment), but as another late night host, he thought Leno was a fucking cock for what he did, so he started to express that thusly:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMgPPJZfsCM

So when Jay saw that (which was fucking cool IMHO), he and his people thought it’d be a good idea to get Jimmy on his show and show the world that they were ‘buddies’. Didn’t work. Did. Not. Fucking. Work. (this is the best, bravest, most heart warming thing I’ve seen in ages. The skill with which he tears Leno a new anus is quite stunning. The best bit is from about 2:20):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axwO6BkCtIo&NR=1

There are loads of other clips of further fighting and sniping and Conan’s leaving speech and Conan now getting higher ratings than Leno etc. Please feel free to check out more of the story.

But back to Kimmel.

In an industry where people can be arseholes but no one calls anyone on it for fear of ruffling the wrong feathers, Kimmel came out and made it quite clear he thought Leno was a cunt. He stuck up for doing the right thing (here’s where an American reader who knows more about him tells me he’s otherwise a wanker) and I love that.

Plus, he would appear to be very funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBWqycrVWGU

And that’s why I *heart* Jimmy Kimmel.