If This Is A Blog Then What's Christmas?

Rock, paper scissors for real men (thanks, K):

He-Man vs 4 Non-Blondes:

Put all the McBain clips on The Simpsons together and you get a vaguely coherent plot.

Who gives a fuck about ad awards? Not Y&R Toronto.

But hang on… Leo Burnett Budapest comes fighting back with some award-centric shitola:

Natalie Portman cries a lot (thanks, A):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wM60afclpM

The periodic table of swearing (thanks, A).

Amazingly beautiful painting, like a 3-D Hirst (Thanks, J):

Babies are just pissed, aren’t they? (Thanks, R):

A great British movie (Thanks, D):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0twWw05u_Pk

And finally, a story to warm the cockles of your heart and the clip to go with it  (thanks, J):

(Thanks, J.)

If that had been made in real life it would win every craft award going.

I can’t seem to find it on YouTube, but you can watch it here.

James Watson, marketing director for Stella Artois Western Europe, said: “This latest instalment of our triple filtered, smooth escapades campaign is the fourth in the series and probably our best yet.

“Consumers love it, we’ll be supporting it big, and we really believe it will help drive brand preference and the continued success of Stella Artois 4% across both the on and off trade.”

Does anyone else think it’s just shit?

(Hang on, I have my reasons)

I know this isn’t the first time I’ve brought this up, but the current Stella campaign MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

Here’s why:

1) Why is it now set in 1950s French Riviera? It’s Belgian FFS (I know all the good old ads were set in France, but they were also set in a time where a beer had a greater significance and could work believably as a sort of currency). This leads to posters that have absolutely no meaning or idea at all:

I’d complain about the endline that bears no relation to the picture, but that leads me nicely on to point 2.

2) Each TV ad consists of three turns/twists/changes. This is supposed to reflect/convey the fact that the beer is triple filtered (like I give a fuck). If any of you like this campaign can you, hand on heart, say that anyone would ever notice this and take it in? THEN, would they give a shit? Of course not.

Check out the three ‘twists’ here:

http://www.vimeo.com/5640131

Utterly pointless.

Here’s how to do triple something-or-othered properly:

3) WHY THE FUCK DO ALL THE CUNTS IN THESE ADS ORDER A STELLA ARTOIS ‘FOUR’? FOR CUNTING FUCKSHIT’S SAKE! THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FRENCH. WHEN FRENCH PEOPLE SEE A ‘4’, THEY THINK IT’S PRONOUNCED ‘CAT-RER’. THAT IS BECAUSE THEY HAVE A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE TO US. IT IS CALLED FRENCH AND SOME OF THE WORDS ARE DIFFERENT. ONE OF THESE WORDS IS ‘FOUR’, WHICH THEY CALL ‘QUATRE’. JESUS FUCKING WEPT.

4) Every time I see one I weep for the old days:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSbRhyONjXM

Aren’t they just a perfect example of the downturn of advertising? A campaign that used to be brilliant and make perfect sense now does neither of those things but still wins awards.

I give up.

*shoots self in face*

Would you like to see the only men in the world who can make Richard Keys and Andy Gray look like Germaine Greer and Camille Paglia?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zOyplvia5M

The music’s even by Paris Hilton.

Thanks, C.

Here’s an ad for McCoys that was done at Publicis a few years ago:

It was shortlisted at Cannes and won a couple of arrows here if my addled memory serves me correctly.

Here’s an ad for Cadbury’s that might charitably be described as somewhat similar (or uncharitably as a virtually shot-for-shot thieverama):

And here are some people from Australia having a row about it in real Australian language.

I thought it was an isolated incident, until I saw the following:

A well known ad for Match.com:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-z4aguu4Ex0

And this flagrant riperoonie:

The creatives involved should hang their heads in shame.

Over the years I’ve got the impression that some of you would like to make a bit of money outside your day job.

Well, number two in an infinite series (number one was me and my novel) is RKCR/Y&R creative Dan Hubert and his spanky new app, iLazer.

It fits in the category of cheap-but-fun, guaranteed to amuse your mates in the pub or to cheer up your granny when yet another one of her friends dies. But why iLazer and how did Dan get it made?

Take it away, Mr. Hubert:

‘I’ve been gagging to make an app for ages. Unfortunately Apple have over one billion apps so it was pretty hard to think of something that hasn’t been done already.

Lasers projecting from from eyes isn’t exactly a new idea. It seems you can’t be a DC comic hero without this special ability, and over the years of web surfing for inspiration I’ve come across loads of random shots by people messing about on Photoshop – especially ones of babies, oh and not forgetting Lazertits. A retro site full of semi clad women with lasers coming from their breasts.

After a moment of inspiration and an in-depth search on iTunes to find that there was nothing else like it, I went full steam ahead. I found quite a few app developers through Google and was shocked to find out how expensive the process was going to be – anything from 7k to 20K! I went for something in the middle and luckily choose a brilliant team of guys who just set up a company called UBINOW.

The next mission was to create an app that not only looked cool, but was intuitive and easy to use. It took quite a few goes to make the journey as simple as possible but I’m really happy with the result. Sound was also top on my list so I spent a while in a sound studio in soho creating different mixes. The result really helped to make a richer user experience.

On the back of the idea I thought it would be good to create a hub for people to send their zapped pics. So I set up a website called ilazer.me that will showcase the world’s best zapped snaps. I also thought it might be fun to expand the idea so I’ve created CELEBRITiLazer. A section full of famous people who all seem to have roving eyes. I’m also looking into other things people love like ANIMiLazer, BOOBiLazer and BABiLazer.

I’ve got to shift 30,000 to break even (Apple take 30%). If it sells any more than that then it’s a bonus. If it doesn’t, then I’ve learnt a lot in social media and app development and no one has gone hungry. It’s all down to word of mouth at the end of the day so if the product is good and people enjoy it then it should go viral. Also on something like this, Facebook and Twitter will really help push its awareness.’

So there you go.

If that interests you and you have any other questions, leave them in the comments section and perhaps Dan will drag himself away from his app long enough to answer them.

Meanwhile, buy the app, give it a good review on iTunes and create lots of pictures with lasers emanating from eyes/tits/penises/dogs/dogs’ penises/dogs’ tits (do dogs have tits? Maybe dogs’ nipples).

I’m reading it right now, 100 pages in.

And I’m very, very impressed.

From the perspective of someone who knows Mr. A’s work like the back of my hand (his Chivas Regal ‘Because’ ad has been hanging in my bathroom for years), has worked for him for a scant-but-amazing six months, and has written a novel of my own, I have to say that I think it’s a brilliant achievement.

It’s taken me a while to read it because most people I asked about it seemed somewhat lukewarm.

Then my mum gave me a copy last week and I haven’t put it down since.

It’s kind of Ian MacEwan-esque but with more elegance (at least compared to Saturday and Solar) and less flab.

It seems to have taken him a decade from retirement (if I recall correctly, he stopped working specifically to write it) to publication, and, somewhat depressingly, it shows. It seems like every sentence, every word had been chosen with painstaking care to be just right. Is that how long it takes a great writer to do that? Fuck. No wonder my airport novel only took a few years.

Anyway, grab a copy today and sink into it like a warm bath in which you occasionally find a piranha.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Best Fails of 2010 (thanks, L):

Libraries of the rich and famous.

Nice cartoon (thanks, W):

100 beautiful and ugly words.

Disneycentric Hipster slagging (thanks, W).

A great way to find photographers, illustrators etc. without bumming the planet.

How to express disdain in gesture form (thanks, T):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UJ9Ggs3Dkk

Cat eating with hands (thanks, K):

After last weeks wrestling clip, this week’s wrestling clip:

And just for shits and giggles, why not vote for The Economist ‘Blue Plaque’ on this site? It doesn’t deserve to win, so it’ll be funny if it does.

(Thanks, K.)

Is here (thanks, Ermm).