http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7Xw1IL3oh0

Through nefarious means I have managed to obtain the script:

World’s Hottest Model chases after dog, loses dog, but comes across open manhole and seems to think dog has fallen down it.

Then, with the help of some particularly low-quality post, WHM loses all her clothes in a questionable plot twist. (If I wrote ‘hot girl falls down hole and loses her clothes’ in a script I’d be far too embarrassed to show it to anyone for fear of looking like a salacious old perv. Come on… it’s a plotline straight out of the seventies. I’m imagining pot bellied creatives guffawing their way through the writing process like a pair of Sid Jameses while swannee whistles score the lamentable sex gestures they chuck at one another across the desk as they smoke Castellas. I’m sure someone will now tell me the actual creatives are laydeez who are affirming the sexual liberation of their gender by filling the UK’s TV screens with hot models in their underwear. Well, if that’s the case, let me disabuse them of that notion: 99% of the interest in this shot will be from men who will rigorously objectify poor WHM, possibly into an old sock.)

WHM lands, farting glitter appropriately out of her Gary, then World’s Only Vaguely Well Known Male Model appears as the Mad Hatter. WHM is sort of given a cheap handbag, which she takes, annoying some other Alice In Wonderland types who throw playing cards at her. But WHM doesn’t seem that bothered as she is pursued by playing card people through some woods in a sequence that’s supposed to be quirkily stylised but comes off quite a lot closer to ‘shite’.

WHM arrives at some sort of tree house-type thing, goes in and walks onto a carpet, which then sort of takes off, much to the surprise/displeasure of a painting. (At this point we’re a minute in and I’m starting to regret embarking on this run-through of the entire ad. So far it’s been sixty seconds of aimless, random bollocks, optimistically dressed up as a fairytale. But fairytales (even Alice In Wonderland) tend to have some kind of plot to them. This looks like nothing more than an expensive exercise in throwing shit at the nation’s TV screens to see what will stick.)

WHM is now in amongst some fake clouds and her kit’s off again. I think she’s farted a white cloud, but no – it’s WOVWKMM appearing at her rear to experience some even worse post than the manhole shot. But before we have a chance to marvel at that, the scene has changed again and we’re  on some yellow brick road set. WOVWKMM is the scarecrow, but I’m not sure who WHM and her mates are supposed to be, but I recognise this as The Point In The M&S AD Where We Finally See An Ethnic Minority Model (and usually an older person like Twiggy, but not this time). Oh, hang on… EMM has a massive stupid hair-do, so maybe she’s supposed to be a kind of fanciable lion. Non-Ethnic Minority Model is dressed in greys, which I’m guessing is an attempt to make her look like the tin man. Genius.

They arrive at a spooky green door which is answered by the massive disembodied head of Helena Bonham-Carter as the Wizard Of Odd. Ruby heels are clicked and WHM is magically sent back to a telecom repair man’s tent (that I never seem to see anymore) in the ‘real world’. According to YouTube there are still 45 seconds to go. Fuck.

‘Real’ Helena (if such a thing exists) gives the dog back to WHM and we pan to the sky for the endline, something to do with Magic and Sparkle, not Mindless and Spunk, which might have been more appropriate. And it’s finally over.

So what about the other 30 seconds? They are spent showing little trailers for the making of and interviews with Helena, WHM and WOVWKMM. Apparently they all LOVE MONEY M&S and THAT’S WHY THEY WANTED TO MAKE THIS AD. Helena thought Tim hasn’t cast me in anything this week ‘It was fun, so yeah… why not?’

There you go… And you can also take part in naming the dog (which looks very much old enough to already have a name), but if you do, don’t forget – you’ll have to live with the fact that you’re a bit of a cunt.

SEASON’S GREETINGS ONE AND ALL!!!!!!!

Here’s the new Christmas ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqWig2WARb0

Damn…

I really don’t want to like a cartoon advert about a bear and a hare, or Lily Allen singing a Keane song, or an utterly transparent attempt to wring moisture from my eyeballs.

But fuck it – like the title of the post says, they’ve done it again.

And it’s so hard to pull this kind of thing off: to continue an already well-loved series of ads; to get the right tone that will annoy 17 hipsters in Shoreditch but gently massage the hearts of the other 59,999,983 of us; to make me remember what I used to love about Lily Allen in 2008 and Keane in 2005 (always had a soft spot for Somewhere Only We Know. Fuck you if you don’t; you can like three Keane songs and the entire oeuvre of Led Zeppelin); to use just the right kind of animation that blends old fashioned Disney basics with deft insertions of realism; and to pull off a smart, unusual plot with a proper good twist.

Yes, I know what some of you are thinking: Ben, you’re talking soft shite.

Well, unfortunately for those of you who think that, it also undeniably ticks the boxes of originality, standout and quality craft.

Stick that up your Christmas chimney.

Oh and thanks for this, Louise of Twitter:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jORyfjHx5iY&feature=youtu.be

MRI scan of a banana (thanks, A).

Supposedly Awful first lines of novels that I actually kind of like.

Amazing short (thanks, L):

The most amazing thing on Google Maps.

Robot or drug? (Thanks, J.)

Where are you, imaginary girlfriend? (Thanks, J.)

Penis firework (thanks, R):

Male novelist jokes (thanks, T).

Cassetteboy vs The News (thanks, J):

Cute animals are really fucking evil.

The most powerful photos ever (thanks, G).

Wear a creative diving bell.

The Hoff sings the Fresh Prince theme (thanks, J):

Man digitally recreates his dreams (thanks, R).

Brilliant pictures from Russian dating sites (thanks, D).

Cats in tights (thanks, J).

The other day I was looking at this poster:

It’s nice and clean, and stopped me enough to read it and give it some thought.

But I wasn’t thinking about the cheating cyclist; I was thinking about the freedom art direction has over copy.

It’s often said that great art direction is about the creation of a ‘new page’ – a layout no one has done before. This is intended to grab the consumer’s attention by standing out from the other things he sees and intriguing him enough to engage.

But that’s not quite the same as the copywriter’s job.

Yes, the writer also has to grab and intrigue, but that must happen after the art director does his job. If the layout doesn’t bring the reader in then the consumer will never even get to the great writing. If your eyes scan the landscape then it’s the art director’s job to draw them in so that they hopefully read something like this:

But writers don’t have all the colours of the rainbow and all the images in history (including new ones yet to be seen) to assist them. Instead they have the rearrangement of those 26 letters and however many words (yes, including the odd neologism).

You could rearrange the familiar into the unfamiliar in a bid to pull the rug out from under someone’s thoughts:

Or you could shock (brilliantly):

But in the end you have to use language, which is already familiar, to attempt to create the same power of originality as art direction.

And that’s what I mean by not working in the same way.

Creating a verbal version of the new page (the new sentence?) is something of a given. Despite the clichés that infiltrate copywriting, even quite poor ads will have a sentence you’ve never seen before. The problem is that it’ll still be boring, or arranged in a familiar structure.

To have newness you need to establish a tone of voice you’ve never read before:

Or use an unexpected tone for a famous client:

So the principles of copywriting and art direction exist in similar territories but those guidelines are used in very different ways to create different processes and achieve different effects.

Maybe that’s why the best ones are usually different people.

Here’s a new Sony ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2DdtkDK7w0

Ah… that takes me back…

Ads with massive pillow fights, or water pistol fights, or entire towns covered in foam or paint or whatever.

Seems a long time ago.

But this ad makes me realise I really don’t miss those days.

Which got me thinking: have I moved on, or have we?

Do these big, costly wankathons belong to a bygone era, or is that just a particularly unimaginative one?

Could we handle more ads with colossal budgets if they were attached to decent ideas, or would it be like the richness overload of a foie gras wagyu stilton burger after a year of living on dry toast? Could we really appreciate the kind of ostentatious vulgarity that makes us look down on oligarchs?

And will we ever find out?

Dilbert artist’s success advice.

Small boy=Jack Nicholson (thanks, B):

Working in ad agency=being a human centipede (thanks, A).

Funeral selfies (thanks, A).

Composites of literary characters.

Penis church (thanks, J).

3rd pic in this attempt to sell a home is somewhat questionable (thanks, N).

Music procrastination a-go-go (thanks, C).

David Attenborough vs Miley Cyrus:

And… (thanks, L. By the way, the eagle-brained amongst you will note that this is a picture. Yes, I can finally post still images again. Thanks, A):

So fuck it, here’s another one (thanks, C):

I just joined Linkedin.

I know! It’s like 2007!

I joined because a colleague kept telling me that he was trying to reach 500 connections, at which point your profile just says ‘500+ connections’. That could mean a million, but more likely means 501.

So I thought I’d see how easy/difficult that is.

Before then I’d always pooh-poohed LI because if I thought of it at all, I thought it was the businessman’s networking site.

It could still be that, but I seem to have found a lot of non-businessman friends on it.

So what now?

Do you use it a lot? How do you do so? Is it helpful to you? Or is it just a load of old crap?

Please let me know…

Here’s an entertaining and interesting interview with Russell Brand that was doing the interweb rounds last week:

And here’s the capacious essay which expands upon these thoughts.

I have a great deal of admiration for Mr. B. I’ve seen him do stand-up three times in the last year and he’s always been very intelligent and articulate (I think he’s on tour now if you want to find out for yourself). I even liked Get Him To The Greek.

But this isn’t about him.

It’s about us.

Here’s how I see the world:

We’re ruining it to the point where it’s going to be uninhabitable. Whether physically, through the consequences of environmental damage, or in terms of quality of life, where the iniquities of privilege are detroying the existences of the vast majority of the people on Earth.

I also feel either powerless or apathetic about how to improve that.

Even though I think about it every single day – are we just heading for a version of The Road, or waiting to drown much of the planet in rising sea levels, or pissing people off so much that at some point they (we?) will rise up and lead us (them?) into martial oblivion – I can’t quite stir myself to make a difference (aside from writing this post and hoping it will do some good, but simultaneously believing it will do no such thing).

I read about the rich screwing the poor every day, but I do it on one of my iPads from the bedroom of my Primrose Hill flat next to a wardrobe full of Prada clothes. I’m definitely part of the problem, which might be why I don’t want to do anything about it, but it doesn’t seem like there’s a great deal of enthusiasm from the rest of society. I’d happily reduce my wages to increase those of somebody else, but only if we all do it. Selfishly I don’t see why I should knock my salary down to the average if someone else is going to continue earning £1m a year.

And obviously that attitude will never help anything. Sorry about that.

But what will cure the world? What will reverse the damage? What will save us?

I suppose I’ll just continue to think none of it really applies to me until it’s right there in front of my face and I have to confront the fact that my grandchildren will grow up in an unliveable Hades that used to be a green and pleasant land with plenty for all. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll do something to stop the snowball rolling down the hill…

Or maybe you will.

If you’re still wondering about what it all means, have a listen to Mr. Sagan:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=923jxZY2NPI

Some Brand analysis.

Gawker’s take on it.

Interesting development.

Evolve Society’s take on it.

For and against voting.

Daily Mail unhappy about this.

Daily Mirror ditto.

The Audi ad from a few years ago (famous, won awards, pretty sure it’s in The Book etc.):

The new Honda ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UelJZG_bF98

The strangely hypnotic local news announcements of Mike Myers’ impending baby (thanks, V):

I can’t really explain this but I laughed a lot (thanks, J):

The most ridiculous Yugoslav album covers of all time (thanks, D).

Brilliant drug advice (thanks, J):

Design jargon bullshit (thanks, D).

Erotic pictures of Hitler and Eastenders people (thanks, J).

Inadvertently dirty animation (thanks, J).

Grayson Perry’s wonderful Reith lecture (thanks, J).

What different countries lead the world in (thanks, M).

Odd footy endorsements.

Brilliant photo recreations (thanks, J).

Amazing pictures of dogs shaking their jowls (thanks, C).

Goes well with the random shit from earlier in the week: how to toilet train your toddler (thanks, J):

Butthoven’s 5th (thanks, J):

*Colonel Abrams’ version, not BOC.